temptress
i’ve gotten it out
down on the page
anonymity alive with it’s eyes pointed at you
in one piece and place
i will never again play myself
on a violin with fat fingers, he makes
anything possible
even the gentlest touching
abhorrent
the world misses my noises
the sun dial changes and i am chased
down the hallway
knock someone over in my way, left it all behind
she was kind to me once
this will save me, this is good for me
the charm, the wit you taught me
the silent backdrop to our blessings: i am happy at least
to be here
but the warm bloom this spring is brooding
the chickens are not allowed
to hatch their eggs
the great force of nature has not opened me up yet
i am hopeful still that if i make a move
the truth will be as naked and bloody as i recall
vulnerable as the winter when the cherry
is served atop the cake
it makes every other season of life
cold with anxiety
they want me to make lists and cry on the phone
about a look you gave
when i moved to bawl my eyes out
did i remember to say i love you? did i
hold it back on purpose? it is between your teeth now
souring flesh and sweetening
up your cheeks, the god behind the sky
wants to pry
you open—so you’ll notice it’s whisper
it’s right hand shifting higher on your thigh
stings like a hornet
and have you seen the cherry tree?
after all this time i am at the beach remembering it
with such shock i
could cry
could burn wet or dry
with how wretched the memory is: but i know
something happened to me
i could live with this bruise of his
dubious grinning
what has it got to do with me then? on top of it all i am
below, beside myself with the baby of me
as well as the other kind: chest-heavy wrapped inside
madness is brewing
on these words at the front door
wanting me, owning me, waning with
dexterity or warning; the thing is
unclear, so clearly dumb and careless
that’s all it chews; the face he made all those years ago out of you
a clown out of you, paper dolls
i have let you in, i have been to this
party, this madhouse, this backyard before
and i don’t remember a thing
thank god for that and the rhinestones on your jeans
you charge your iphone on the staircase, it’s
so easy to trip up on
if you’re an idiot
i found you there that way
soaked in your underwear
listening to a room full of of people
talk about the mass extinction, that it was just
one hundred years ago and so it will
be a hundred more
didn’t have the heart to chart birdsong, still don’t
so i wait in the foyer for the blizzard to end her rage-fit
coming in after collecting rubbish
so i could shove it in your face and say
i am saving the planet: i am a good person: i am
sorry: something
happened to me
the phone dialled, the sun
was down around your ankles
it was to make you believe
to make you
come back, come home, take me back, and reel me in
on a line; it was the hook
it was the punch; it was the grapevine, they said
that was how the wine got made
so as a child i ran around, i ran and ran
until my mouth got full
of that juice
i am churned up, i am fresh
i am ready to be poured: open your mouths
and enjoy me
breasts grew in and i got angry and sick
of wanting you to know that there was
something in the air: oh what, oh god what
it was a certain barbarity that made me tired
made me hateful
i never tried again to be faithful or simple
i like to shed every month, thank you
i had the moon to govern me then: i had trust
i had nothing else
but i grew bitter with love, i grew
up and i hated that
it was possible: to undress
& entertain & love it; there is a word for that
you know?
but all i wanted was to be home with you
to imagine an ease in figuring it all out
like i was supposed to
be good
i was meant to know romance
i was meant to kneel and cry
and give head to a symphony
you have got to seek it out first
get it out of you
before it becomes the problem
you don’t care for a fix of
stop running ‘round the house in no clothes
that is what they’ll get you for
comfortable living, being engaged to things
listening to the language of birds
you will be married anyway
you will be a mother one day
long before you are on your knees
when he shows up for the last time
you’ll be grateful someone has come at all
to be manhandled out of pretending
that you used to be a dreamer: this is the the final straw
a moment you can take back
take it out of the bottom drawer
repent now and remember what we told you
pull it onto yourself neatly be kind & be one with god as you have been with nature
as you are with beauty: easy, light on your feet, long fingers edging for strings
about unshakeable rage
let the spring open you up
